Paint Man Criticizes Publisher
Tim
“Paint Man” Fulcher recently stopped in Big Bird’s Big Twins for his, what is now, a
regularly scheduled lunch break at high noon.
Tim
a sole proprietor of his own automotive and motorcycle body and paint shop was
scouted out, recruited and hired by competitor Kenny Gregory of Gregory’s Pain
and Body Shop in Ridgeway
While
enjoying his lunch, Mr. Paint Man was reading the most recent copy of Shop
Scoop and commented “Anyone who has time to write this definitely has
too much time on his or her hands”.
All the laboring
workers in the shop as well as several locals who hang around the shop
overheard the critical comment and vigorous discussions ensued.
It
seems Mr. Paint Man, who all can remember when self employed, lunch usually
consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or bologna sandwiches prepared
by his lovely wife Tiffany eaten within the confines of his residence.
Since
his new-elevated status on the ladder of life he has forgotten how the normal people
of our area normally have to scrounge and search for the means to provide the
most basic of necessities for themselves, lunch included.
Mr.
Paint Man enjoys steak sandwiches since his newly elevated status on the ladder
in life and appears to be leading the life of the individuals who “have”.
He
is regularly seen picking up his expensive lunches from local eateries such as
Clarence’s, or his favorite, Ridgeway Drive-In.
The
“have nots”, which include this publisher, wonders as how “Paint Man’s” newly
found financial windfall will affect his basketball size head and management of
the Big Bird’s Big Twins has considered asking the owner of the building to
construct a separate enlarged entrance for Paint Man to enter and exit the
building.
Mean time all us
normal low life’s of society will simply sit around the shop and eat our normal
meager self prepared meals and enjoy cold Coors and Miller Lites after shop
hours.
Precious
will be the day the “Defender of the Free World” a.k.a. Wayne “Sarge” Hopkins
can return to the shop and restore peace, tranquility, as well as law and order
among the species of the over producing testosterone some males in the shop
have exhibited lately.
Epidemic Strikes Big Bird Staff
Recent
editions of the shop scoop have revealed various changes in the love
relationships of members of the Big Bird’s Big Twins shop.
One
spring like morning not too long ago Big Bird called in sick informing his
staff that he had a stomach virus, was sick, and would return to work later in
the day if he felt better.
He
arrived to work around lunch and proceeded to eat a hardy lunch consisting of a
cheeseburger, large order of fries and a diet mountain dew soft drink.
This
was cause for suspicion as to the validity of his sickness however, not making
fun of the sick, we decided to let the incident ride.
The
same week he was late to work three days in a row, which is highly unusual for
the Big Bird.
As
with any good reporting, comes patients and eventually
the real story emerges.
Apparently,
Mr. Bird has been enjoying the company of certain lady(s), which has resulted
in the direct cause of the infection for which the above symptoms have arisen.
The
following week Bird apparently had come to grips with his mortality and decided
to cool his heels from running wild as if he was a teenager of past and
appeared to be recovering from his illnesses rather well.
The
week Bird’s health from his “virus” was improving we experienced another member
of the staff falling victim to some sort of illness.
Buck
called in early one morning claiming to have the stomach bug, had been up all
night, and was trying to recover in hopes to arrive to the shop later in the
day.
Approximately
Buck
had been to the Eagles Club the night before with his new relationship but
strongly denied any ties between his love relationship and his sickness, as his
symptoms were different from those of Big Bird’s.
Anyway,
that was his story, and he was sticking to it.
Buck’s
girlfriend Lisa became a co-conspirator as she tried in vain to persuade all in
the shop that he had actually been sick and she slept on the couch because of
his sickness.
One
of the nameless techs in the shop made several motorcycle test runs by Buck’s
residence and appeared his girlfriend must have had a touch of the sickness or
was trying to nurse him back to a healthy state as her vehicle was in the
driveway and had not been moved.
The
following week Big Bird had a sudden relapse in his medical condition calling
in before shop opening sounding terrible and promising he did not suffer from
the illness he or Buck had previously contracted but he would definitely
recover from the effects of today’s illness and would be in the shop later in
the day.
Upon
arrival to work about lunch time he was rather quiet about the mysterious
illness that has struck the Big Bird’s Big Twins shop probably feeling that the
less he said the better off he would be.
Seems
Mr. Bird had a female sleep over guest that needed returning to the nameless
girl’s residence somewhere in
Jim
“CC” working in the shop who has a limited amount of medical knowledge decided
he would try to diagnosis the medical condition that had infected two thirds of
the staff in attempts he could head off some sort of epidemic.
For
days on end with tools in hand, he was trying frantically to work on customer’s
motorcycles while wearing an infectious disease control respirator in hopes he
would not contract the apparently highly contagious disease.
Being
the anal-retentive individual, he was hard at work trying to scientifically
analyze the data and statistical information he had gathered from the previous
weeks in hopes to develop a vaccine to fight off the dreaded symptoms that
would mysteriously and unannounced infect the staff.
He
contemplated contacting the
The
hypothesis he has reached is medically considered as Acute
Paroxysmal Frontal Female Vaginal Addiction.
For
the medically inept, he simplified his findings for the laypersons as simply Pussyititis.
After reaching
his conclusions, he speculated as to the proper course of treatments that
included the possibility of quarantining individuals who had sustained the
disease.
Quarantining
not the preferred pussyititis treatment option, as
individuals previously infected with the disease might suffer in relapse
conditions, was ruled out as a possible treatment.
Upon
additional research and investigation “CC” has concluded there is no cure for the near fatal and epidemic pussyititis
conditions that exist in the shop.
After
“CC’s” physical and emotionally draining experience in dealing with the pussyititis
outbreak he began to feel beaten down by all that had transpired
the past three weeks to close biker friends.
Big
Bird and Buck was respectfully notified by “CC” that his girlfriend normally
receives the week of the fourth of July week off every year and has not taken a
vacation in a couple of years.
Therefore, be it considered he had contacted a dose of the dreaded or in some cases the not so dreaded, pussyititis virus and would be taking a week off for vacation.
Lucrecia’s Comments
Well,
well, well…it is now times for Lucrecia to makes her contributions to the
weekly editions to the Shop Scoops.
As
our editor in chief reported to you there was some concerns abouts “PUSSY-ITIS”
but we thanks dat situation may be under control as we has invested in large
amounts of Clorox.
We
all knows Clorox will kill anything as I can tell you , and I would be willings
to bet there have been many situations dat Clorox would be needed when it comes
to individuals who is dumb enough to brings to the house some skanky whooe
theys don’ts even know.
We
all understands dat sometimes the little head
overrides the big heads ability to make wise choices, but you have to
understands that hormones is a serious liability.
We
herea at Shop Scoop Press prides ourselfs on providing the best in up to date
and unbiased material as well as Dunt, dunt, dunt, dunt-dunt breakin’ news as
well as unconfirmed /confirmed tidbits of gossip. Buts we all knows Lucrecia
don’t gossip! She better than Cleo…she know it all. She tell the truf, the
whole truf, and nothin’ but the truf.
According
to reliable sources, it wuz saids from da Paints Mans dat me and CC gots too much times on our
hands. Well, for his information, I’se intends on making his foolish self the
firs topic in my comments section of dis here edition of the Scoop. Paint Man
will be identifieds as PM as we goes through mines comments as Paint Man jus
wears me out typing
Hera
goes. Seems likes the PM done gone up in da big leagues wif his new jobs with
Mr. Kenny Gregory. Mr. Gregory, see he a fine upstanding business mans in
Ridgeway and he know PM gots paintin’ talents. He be
done offered the PM a real job where he has a real lunch times. Backs in the
old days when he wuz of da workin’ class he use to go in his ole’ house an makin’ his po wife Tiffany makes him a peanuts butter,
banana and bolonie sammich.
My
sources tells me, and you know Lucrecia gots many sources, he make the comments
dat whoever gots time to make up dis hera newsletter,
gots too much times on dare hands.
Well,
what he don’t realize is we’s takes the times so’s we can sends to our
honorable Sarge the latest stupid shits dat go on down at the Big Birds Big
Twins as well as in the community.
The above comment bein de first stupid thang.
PM is now on the uppa scales of the society pole in Ridgeway. We ain’t shore what pole dat is but whens Lucrecia finds it, she gonna sits the PM on tops of it and spins his ole’ happy ass around ‘til he git dizzy, fall off and knock some of dat foolishness out of his ole’ stupid self. And since he done gots da big head the size of a basketball, we gone haf to make him his own entrance so’s he cans gets his ole’ head thru the door. And dat’s all I has to says about dat.
And speakin’ of stupid
shit…do you remember da ones dat they be callin’ da “Breeze”? Well, he been down at the Big Birds Big Twins showin’ his ole
foolish self again.
Again, according to mines
reliable sources, The Breeze show up at the Big Birds on one weekend night
slightly intoxicated. Well, fore it was over, he done found his ole happy
stupid self rolled outs into the parking lots at BBBT after the Big Bird wuz
gon use his ole’ foolish head as a ball for battin’ practice!
Seems errybody wuz sittin’
around at the BBBT fellowshipping and partaking of the devils brew, getting’ mo
and mo fucked up when out of da blue, da Breeze decides he gone clear
his conscious and comes clean abouts his real feelins’ for the Big
Bird……….DUMMY.
Well, errybody knows the devils brew is the
best truf serum and dats exactly whats happened. The Breeze tells Mr.
Birds that he ain’t never liked his ass, don’t like his ass now, and ain’t
never likes his ass.
Then, as wif all big mouf
drunks, he proceeds to tells BB he gon whoop his big ole no good ass in fronts
of God and errybody. Now alls of us who know and loves the BB knows whats a
good temperament he has so you can imagine how well dis wents over when he says
dis foolishness in fronts of errybody…not too good!
Sources close to de situation,(meaning the ones dare) said the one they call Breeze
lets his alligator mouf overrides his hummin’ bird ass.
BB proceeds to gets up out of
his favorite chair and gets nothin’ less than his prized and trusty aluminum
baseball bat. He proceeds to tell the one they call Breeze to kindly
take his drunk ass outs of his fine establishment…BALL
1. At this point the count is 1 & 0.
The one dey call Breeze
tells BB he ain’t goin no god damn where and therefor’ the count now is 1 and
1.
The next pitch came when Bird
swings and at this point it’s a foul ball right up side the poor ole’ snacks
machine leaving quite the impressionable mark but the count now being 1-2. At
dis points in the game, our beloved umpire Joey Brown and his other staff of
umpires including Fuzz believed the next swing would have been a grand slam
home run right out the ball park which would have come up against the one dey
call Breeze’s big ole furry coconut . But thanks to some quick thinking
of our wonderful officiating, the one dey call de Breeze survived his
confession…the big Dummy!
All I know is dat Joey Brown,
Fuzz and his trusty umpires can be credited fo saving the one dey call the Breeze’s
life by rolling his happy ass out outside in one of the chairs in the shops dat
gots rollers on it as errybody knows the one dey call Breeze was too
fucked up to walk.
Mr. Bird, as we all know is a
good hearted ole sole and would do anything for anybodys buts I believes dat if
the one dey call the Breeze was to catch afire, Mr.Bird wouldn’t even
piss on his ass to puts it out. Might gets a golf club and use his ole’ head
for golf ball, or maybe even throw kerosene buts I don’t thinks he be doin’ no
favors for de Breeze none to soon.
Ain’t quite shor what happens
after dat but I thinks the one dey call Breeze be trying to be getting’
back in the good graces of the BB which I don’t think gon be happenin’ none to soon.
I don’ts thank the one dey
call Breeze has learnt no lessons froms de last incidents at the BBBT
whens he makes hisself look like a total idiot in fronts of our beloved Fred
Stanley. He had to apologize when he made crude comments about brother Freddie
and brother Randy who takes care of washing and waxing vehicles and whiles that
didn’t learn him no lessons, he decide he going to get all stupid again when he
gon whoop Big Bird’s 6’ 9” 240 lb. ass. Be like Pee Wee Herman vs. Hulk Hogan.
I will be highly surprised if the Breeze be showin’ ups none too soon
unless he show up at the Customer Appreciation Day wif an armed guard.
It has been brought to my
attentions that the Breeze been calling all over the U.S. of A. tryings
to help him suck up to the BB but I don’ts think a tornado could do enough
sucking at this point. Maybe one of dem sandstorms out there in the big kitty
litter box where Sarge is may be strong enough to fix dis problem, but I don’t
s think so. (I have changed the sandbox to the kitty litter box as I am sure
there be enough stupid shit out there in that sand box
to make it a shit box too).
Lucrecia hopes you and your
comrades are all doing well and can’t wait for your old sorry cigar smoking ass
to gets back over here to try and help straighten out some of this stupid shits that be goin’on. Me
and CC needs some helps. We jus do da best as we can.
As CC has been tryin’ to
teach me over the course of our extensive relationship, that you can’t fight
stupid, you deal wif it and Lord knows we have our share of dealing wif it.
I’se beginning to thank that stupid is contagious and thanking about getting’
some of them SAR’s mask so’s we don’ts catch no stupid!
You know the ole sayin’ that
you gots to be tough when you dumb is applying mo and mo erry day. We would
hope that the gene pool of stupidity would thin itself out, but much to our
disappointment, we are running into it more and more erry day all the time.
Takes care of you and your
comrades and we wish you the best. God speed my friend. We miss you and love
you. Thanks to you and all your buddies,
I remain faithfully…
Lucrecia
Kenny Gregory Celebrates Big “50”
Ridgeway’s famous automotive body painter and specialist of the world, recently was toasted by a special group of fellow co-workers and friends.
The gala affair was held at
A large crowd gathered to
enjoy a party that included a DJ, fine food and an unlimited wet bar for
attendees.
Early in the evening, Kenny
G. held center stage as some of his female friends dressed in costumes as busty
strippers performed lap dances for his enjoyment.
Kenny G thanking everyone for
attending appeared to be feeling no pain but also exhibited some slight
depression, as the actresses were unwilling to “show the puppies”.
Mrs. Kenny G had the
situation well underhand and anyone who left the party early missed a very
enjoyable show.
A voluptuous young woman from
outside the
In Lucrecia’s words, well,
well, well:
Although not considered an X
rated performance I will have to say the hired stripper put a number on Mr. G
as well as a select number of others from the attendees.
A special thanks for the invitation to the party is in order to
Mrs.G. and all others who helped in a successful party.
I am sure Kenny will not
forget the Big “50” for years to come and a Happy
Birthday from all who read Shop Scoop.
TT Remarks
Sarge’s friend on the home
front asked the published to add a comment of “Don’t forget to loose
your hat”.
The publisher has been including
requested comments from his friends lately even though he does not understand
their associated meanings.
I would seek consultation
from Cleo the fortuneteller, however I understand she
is currently under indictment. Wonder if she saw that coming?